Confused, Depressed

I think I am where I need to be, but I do not belong here. I lack the drive. I lack the desire. I am tired. No, I am exhausted. I have no vision. I am just doing what I thought I should be doing. But what am I doing here?



How long, God? How much longer?

Boasting?

For the past 20 weeks, I've been taking Greek II through Semlink at GCTS. I must have been out of my mind to think that I could do well in a master's level Greek class with all of the upcoming events in our life! I was preparing to leave the Navy, to move out of "base housing" and to move into a smaller apartment on campus housing. We wound up sorting through so much of our "stuff" and getting rid of a lot. Then there was the issue of finding insurance after we moved and we were no longer covered by TRICARE. Yolanda is pregnant (with our 3rd boy!) and due Sept 5th; I am no longer eligible for benefits on Aug 9th. Oh yeah, and we were selling our house in North Carolina. I have no idea how I thought I could handle all of it! To say the least, the past 10 or so weeks have been a blur. Strangely enough, despite all the things that NEEDED to be done, something continued to remind me that we had to do the things we were doing.

I am now nearing the end of my 6 yr, 1 month Naval career. The end is in sight, and I am ready to begin again. Our new life will no longer be a military family, but it will be a family in seminary. All of us are excited to see what is in store for us. Personally, it feels like I have a great weight taken off of my back. God is truly blessing us in our transition!


The most recent example of His blessing is found in what was my final grade in Greek II. With all of the stuff going on in life, Greek had taken a back seat. A week before my second exam, I was behind seven weeks in the lectures (one lecture a week). Somehow (I attribute this to God), I got a 86.7 on the exam! After that exam, I didn't do much of anything for the class. Then came time to take the final. Because I wasn't faithful with schoolwork, I had to review the 7 weeks I previously crammed and blitz through the rest of the lectures. Despite all of my efforts, when I took my final exam, I hadn't even listened to two lectures! My final exam score was 86.2. This pushed my final grade to 89.6! Truly, I have NO idea how I achieved that score! My final exam score was higher than my second exam!


Did I even learn anything in that class? Yes, but I have to admit that I definitely did NOT master the material!


So, what's the point? Am I bragging? Well, only in the fact that God extended grace by having me even pass the course! God taught me something more important than the language of the New Testament. He taught me that His grace will cover all of my needs. ... and as Paul wrote, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!"

Countdown

This morning, I realized that in about 4 days, I'll be able to breathe a little easier. For an update, here are a few things that will have happened:

1. I will have made my final return trip down to CT (2 more weeks, and I'll officially be a veteran)
2. figured out what I am going to do for a license (my current one will no longer be current when I turn in my military ID)
3. finally sold our house in NC
4.taken my final exam for Greek II.

Am I ready for ANY of it? nope. Does it really matter? nope. Despite the fact that yesterday, the fridge door was accidentally left cracked open and we lost all of our dairy and over 3lb of chicken, I sprained my ankle and my oldest son pooped in the tub; I have to admit that nothing seems to be able to dislodge this calm I am feeling. I'm realizing that none of it really matters! I have to attribute that to God's authority over all things. Strangely enough, I see all of this stressful stuff as encouraging! I have to wonder if that is what Paul intended when he wrote Philippians 4:13. To me, it is more of a confirmation that God has me in His hands. I'm definitely going to have to remember that fact in about a month, when there is no income, Yolanda gives birth and the Fall semester begins.

Hey, I'm certain that even Paul had times when he despaired, even after writing that letter to the Philippians! Why should I be any different?

I FIGURED IT OUT!

Yay! Now, my insecurities concerning the security of e-mailing to
this blog is securely secure, creating a secure feeling that my
security concerns proved to be mere insecurities that roamed about
freely in the confines of my head. *deep breath* relax...

Wow... Technology...

It appears that I can update my blog not only by text message, but I
am able to send an email! wow... technology...

I am now able to text msg to the blog! I can't post long posts, though.

PREPARED!

Back in the bowels of the library today. As you can see, I came prepared for the random delusional basement monster seminary student.



My years with the Marine Corps taught me that the best way to defend yourself is not to be seen. It is a good thing that my experience is not going to be wasted...

Thoughts From a New Seminarian

Yolanda and I have moved into our new apartment on campus. We now have arranged the boxes in our new home so that we can tolerate living amongst the cardboard. (FYI: the boxes are not really made of cardboard; Cereal boxes are made of cardboard. Moving boxes are made from corrugated paper.) Meanwhile, back at the ranch... We excavated the required things, and hopefully, we have a decent grip on our immediate needs. I now need to turn my attention to my Greek II class. I have 2 weeks until my final exam. Unfortunately, according to the classwork, I am on week 9 of 20. The worst part about it is that my last exam was during week 12. Needing to do something about this situation, over the next few days, I'm going to be in the library. Conveniently, the library has little desks called "carrels" that you can check out for the semester. I now have one. It is in the basement, but I've got a great view of a centi-block wall with an electrical outlet! It is the perfect place to plug in my macbook and ummm, study and stuff.

Establishing myself at my carrel today, I started to look around. There were few students, but a lot of the desks had books and lamps and other things left on them, waiting for their respective owners to return. Whoever uses the carrel next to me appears to have moved all of the stuff from his dorm/apartment and started to live in the library! Looking at all the different semi-inhabited desks makes me wonder how many students actually see the light of day. I couldn't help but think of the tale of Don Quixote. The story goes that this man from La Mancha read books on chivalry until his brain shriveled, and he began to believe he was a "modern-day knight." Maybe the same thing happens down there in that basement: Students will read so much stuff on God, doctrine, etc. that they when they finally emerge to see the sun, the shock induced by the new surroundings and bright light will be so great that they begin to believe that they ARE God and try to save the world! Maybe that is just my over-active imagination amusing me when I'm supposed to be devoting my time to study. Pursuing an education does weird things to people. I can't wait to see how I turn out! LOOK, A SQUIRREL!

Resurrection? Re-Awakening? Repentance?

I'm now sitting in our new apartment on the South Hamilton campus of Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. God has been very patient with me, yet if it were not for my attempts at avoiding it, I would have never made it here. Something is emerging inside of me. It is a feeling I have not known for a while. How can I describe it? Joy? Delight? Obedience? Pleasure? Yes, this and more, all beautifully wrapped up in this sensation that continues to well up within my dry and dusty frame. Bring it!