The Cretonian

What hit me?!?!

2010-01-01T12:14:00.005-05:00

2009 is now over! It seems that December came and went before I got a chance to experience it. The past 5 weeks have been tough on us. Everyone except Wonder Woman has been sick. The more I get to know her, the more I realize that God has blessed that woman infinitely. Pneumonia made it's presence known in our family. It was either that or the R.S.V. ... I'm just grateful that it is done with our boys! Three courses of antibiotics, two courses of nebulizer treatments and steroids... too much for their little bodies, I think. Our youngest spent 5 days in the hospital!

With the sicknesses behind us, I can actually begin focusing on finishing the Fall 09 semester! Papers remain to be written. *sigh* About 25 pages' worth of intelligent writing should do it. The semester isn't yet over for me, and I'm supposed to be taking a class this January!

What does God have planned for us in 2010? Though I have a few suspicions, it would be prudent to just wait to see what God has in store. One thing is certain: this year will not come and go without consequence. This time next year, I will not be as I am today. Thank God for that!

Confused, Depressed

2009-11-01T21:31:00.004-05:00

I think I am where I need to be, but I do not belong here. I lack the drive. I lack the desire. I am tired. No, I am exhausted. I have no vision. I am just doing what I thought I should be doing. But what am I doing here?

How long, God? How much longer?

Boasting?

2009-08-02T09:33:00.002-04:00

For the past 20 weeks, I've been taking Greek II through Semlink at GCTS. I must have been out of my mind to think that I could do well in a master's level Greek class with all of the upcoming events in our life! I was preparing to leave the Navy, to move out of "base housing" and to move into a smaller apartment on campus housing. We wound up sorting through so much of our "stuff" and getting rid of a lot. Then there was the issue of finding insurance after we moved and we were no longer covered by TRICARE. Yolanda is pregnant (with our 3rd boy!) and due Sept 5th; I am no longer eligible for benefits on Aug 9th. Oh yeah, and we were selling our house in North Carolina. I have no idea how I thought I could handle all of it! To say the least, the past 10 or so weeks have been a blur. Strangely enough, despite all the things that NEEDED to be done, something continued to remind me that we had to do the things we were doing.

I am now nearing the end of my 6 yr, 1 month Naval career. The end is in sight, and I am ready to begin again. Our new life will no longer be a military family, but it will be a family in seminary. All of us are excited to see what is in store for us. Personally, it feels like I have a great weight taken off of my back. God is truly blessing us in our transition!

The most recent example of His blessing is found in what was my final grade in Greek II. With all of the stuff going on in life, Greek had taken a back seat. A week before my second exam, I was behind seven weeks in the lectures (one lecture a week). Somehow (I attribute this to God), I got a 86.7 on the exam! After that exam, I didn't do much of anything for the class. Then came time to take the final. Because I wasn't faithful with schoolwork, I had to review the 7 weeks I previously crammed and blitz through the rest of the lectures. Despite all of my efforts, when I took my final exam, I hadn't even listened to two lectures! My final exam score was 86.2. This pushed my final grade to 89.6! Truly, I have NO idea how I achieved that score! My final exam score was higher than my second exam!

Did I even learn anything in that class? Yes, but I have to admit that I definitely did NOT master the material!

So, what's the point? Am I bragging? Well, only in the fact that God extended grace by having me even pass the course! God taught me something more important than the language of the New Testament. He taught me that His grace will cover all of my needs. ... and as Paul wrote, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!"

Countdown

2009-07-25T20:57:00.002-04:00

This morning, I realized that in about 4 days, I'll be able to breathe a little easier. For an update, here are a few things that will have happened:

1. I will have made my final return trip down to CT (2 more weeks, and I'll officially be a veteran)
2. figured out what I am going to do for a license (my current one will no longer be current when I turn in my military ID)
3. finally sold our house in NC
4.taken my final exam for Greek II.

Am I ready for ANY of it? nope. Does it really matter? nope. Despite the fact that yesterday, the fridge door was accidentally left cracked open and we lost all of our dairy and over 3lb of chicken, I sprained my ankle and my oldest son pooped in the tub; I have to admit that nothing seems to be able to dislodge this calm I am feeling. I'm realizing that none of it really matters! I have to attribute that to God's authority over all things. Strangely enough, I see all of this stressful stuff as encouraging! I have to wonder if that is what Paul intended when he wrote Philippians 4:13. To me, it is more of a confirmation that God has me in His hands. I'm definitely going to have to remember that fact in about a month, when there is no income, Yolanda gives birth and the Fall semester begins.

Hey, I'm certain that even Paul had times when he despaired, even after writing that letter to the Philippians! Why should I be any different?

I FIGURED IT OUT!

2009-07-17T14:09:00.001-04:00

Yay! Now, my insecurities concerning the security of e-mailing to
this blog is securely secure, creating a secure feeling that my
security concerns proved to be mere insecurities that roamed about
freely in the confines of my head. *deep breath* relax...

Wow... Technology...

2009-07-17T14:00:00.001-04:00

It appears that I can update my blog not only by text message, but I
am able to send an email! wow... technology...

PREPARED!

2009-07-15T10:49:00.004-04:00

Back in the bowels of the library today. As you can see, I came prepared for the random delusional ~~basement monster~~ seminary student.

My years with the Marine Corps taught me that the best way to defend yourself is not to be seen. It is a good thing that my experience is not going to be wasted...

Thoughts From a New Seminarian

2009-07-13T20:53:00.006-04:00

Yolanda and I have moved into our new apartment on campus. We now have arranged the boxes in our new home so that we can tolerate living amongst the cardboard. (FYI: the boxes are not really made of cardboard; Cereal boxes are made of cardboard. Moving boxes are made from corrugated paper.) Meanwhile, back at the ranch... We excavated the required things, and hopefully, we have a decent grip on our immediate needs. I now need to turn my attention to my Greek II class. I have 2 weeks until my final exam. Unfortunately, according to the classwork, I am on week 9 of 20. The worst part about it is that my last exam was during week 12. Needing to do something about this situation, over the next few days, I'm going to be in the library. Conveniently, the library has little desks called "carrels" that you can check out for the semester. I now have one. It is in the basement, but I've got a great view of a centi-block wall with an electrical outlet! It is the perfect place to plug in my macbook and ummm, study and stuff.

Establishing myself at my carrel today, I started to look around. There were few students, but a lot of the desks had books and lamps and other things left on them, waiting for their respective owners to return. Whoever uses the carrel next to me appears to have moved all of the stuff from his dorm/apartment and started to live in the library! Looking at all the different semi-inhabited desks makes me wonder how many students actually see the light of day. I couldn't help but think of the tale of Don Quixote. The story goes that this man from La Mancha read books on chivalry until his brain shriveled, and he began to believe he was a "modern-day knight." Maybe the same thing happens down there in that basement: Students will read so much stuff on God, doctrine, etc. that they when they finally emerge to see the sun, the shock induced by the new surroundings and bright light will be so great that they begin to believe that they ARE God and try to save the world! Maybe that is just my over-active imagination amusing me when I'm supposed to be devoting my time to study. Pursuing an education does weird things to people. I can't wait to see how I turn out! LOOK, A SQUIRREL!

Resurrection? Re-Awakening? Repentance?

2009-07-10T06:54:00.002-04:00

I'm now sitting in our new apartment on the South Hamilton campus of Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. God has been very patient with me, yet if it were not for my attempts at avoiding it, I would have never made it here. Something is emerging inside of me. It is a feeling I have not known for a while. How can I describe it? Joy? Delight? Obedience? Pleasure? Yes, this and more, all beautifully wrapped up in this sensation that continues to well up within my dry and dusty frame. Bring it!

Finding Myself

2009-04-15T08:52:00.002-04:00

I have somehow misplaced myself. I think it was back when I was in college. One of my former room mates reminds me that I once left a note in our dorm room that read, "I've gone to look for myself. If I come back before I get there, please tell me to wait." Ever since late '98 or '99, I've not seemed to be me. Often, I wonder why. Yolanda has accused me of living in the past, in the 'glory days' of yore. The more I look back, the more frustrated I get because I can't seem to find me there. I'm gone. Yesterday is gone. I know that I am living in the present, but I don't feel like I'm really living. This is an extremely difficult admission, especially coming from one who is a Christian. Nonetheless, it is true.

Frequently, I've caught myself irritated and angry. I've concluded that the anger is coming from the frustrations of unrealized expectations. That sounds too clinical, too ... ugh. I'm disappointed with myself, and it bothers me to no end. There are days when I stop to ask myself where I went. Apparently, I am in a state of constantly looking for the me I thought I would be. Mid-life crisis? Perhaps.

But just as King Solomon chronicled his search for himself, I'm writing a rough outline of where I've looked for me:

I searched for me in a change of scenery. After college, I moved from South Carolina to New England. I quickly found out that I was not in Maine. Don't ask why I went looking there. Before that time, I had never been farther north than Ohio. While I was there, I married a native. Unfortunately, I didn't find myself in marriage, either. At first, this sounds horrible, but there is a good reason I say that. More on that later. Despite not finding myself, I did discover that when God brings a couple together, that bond can not be broken. Translation: I dragged an innocent young woman into the mess that is my life. (poor Yolanda, there's no escape) Knowing that I had to support two people, I thought I could find myself teaching high school Spanish. Boy, was I wrong! Enough said about that. That period in my life is better left alone. Since I wasn't there, I looked for me in "travel" and "adventure." I enlisted in the Navy. I have to admit that I had always wanted to serve my country. Though I didn't find myself, once again, God taught me something. He showed me that 'service' really isn't what I thought it was. Not only did I not get to go anywhere exciting, I did not find me in my patriotism. After some time at my first duty station, I tried looking for myself in fatherhood. Coincidentally, Yolanda gave birth to our first child. Needless to say, Elijah didn't have an answer for me. All he did was scream and poop. Interestingly enough, I noticed that he bears a strange resemblance to me. When Nathanael, our second son, came along, he didn't have much to say, either. He just ate a lot, screamed AND pooped. Strangely, he, too kinda looks like me. What was God's lesson in my attempt at finding myself in fatherhood? Well, if I omit that whole 'made in God's image' thing and that 'God, our Heavenly Father' thing, I'm not 100% certain. Either way, I didn't find myself. However, I did discover a disturbing trend. I began to notice that the longer I look for me, more people I keep adding to this confusion. (Our third son is to be born in September) I am now at the end of my 'service obligation' with the navy. Soon I will be 'free' to search for me in the civilian sector.

However, recently I realized that I know where to find myself. Come to find out, I've known it all along. I lost myself over a decade ago. I gave me to someone I could trust. My life is hidden in Christ, and no one can take it away from him. It is no wonder that I've been angry and fusrated. Though I've known where to look, I've been searching for me elsewhere. I can't find myself in marriage, service to my country, fatherhood, or anything else, for that matter. I can be found in Christ. This fall, I begin a new chapter in my life. I'm moving my growing family to a seminary campus and begin working on a MA in Theology. That's a tough task. With a family, it gets even harder. It's time to stop searching all over the place and get re-aquainted with myself.

Excuse me, I'm a little lost. Could you point me to the cross? I need some rest.

Saved? Self-Centeredness?

2009-04-01T13:08:00.003-04:00

I've been wanting to write for close to a week about the subtle arsenic that permeates my thoughts as I live, breath and walk! My self-determination works so hard to force man-centeredness onto God as a character trait. In every moment, I have to be reminded that God is, and His ultimate goal is His own glory! In reality, the benefits for us are merely a side-effect.

Again, I recently was made aware of this... self-determination. The reflection below was triggered by a quote from the pulpit of the church I attend. It was so good that I printed it and taped it to the wall facing my desk. Despite the grammar, it is a profound question that sliced to the core of my heart. The context is a sermon on Ecc 9:1-12 titled, "Gift versus Gain in the Face of Mortality." One of the summary points was this:

"What are you hoping to be saved from?"

The more I thought about it, the more that question hurt. My mind was searching for the "right" answer, but the real answer shined a spotlight on my heart and in my life... I think I summed it up in one word. "life" To be honest, it scared me until I rationalized it to the point that it became, "life under the sun." Yet seriously, what is life other than the freedom that is given when we strive to worship and love God with (to quote a respected friend and brother in Christ) "white-hot intensity"? So, I don't necessarily want to be saved from life but from death. I want to be saved from the death that would occur when I see a Holy God face-to-face. As I consider it, I believe this fear is universal. It just may not be expressed as such. In this fear, God is not glorified. If perfect love drives out fear (and it does), and if this perfect love is made available to all (and it is), then this fear is nothing but unbelief in Christ's atoning work. It is little more than the "evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God" about which the author of Hebrews is warning us. For how can God be glorified in me if I am living my life in fear and disbelief? But thankfully, He desires to be glorified! He sent his Son! Not for me, so I can be saved from my fears, but He sent his son that I may glorify Him! In that is freedom, not just for me but for all who believe! My benefit is merely a side-effect of His self-interest! He made a way that this filthy, unbelieving worm can glorify Him by being satisfied in Him!

And that I shall do.

-creto

Mourning

2009-02-04T10:18:00.002-05:00

On January 26th, my dad died. Since I left for college in 1995, I've dis-associated myself from home. However, for reasons I can't get into right now, he has (and always will have) my deepest respect and gratitude. Because of my background, I have never been one who expresses much genuine emotion. To my detriment, I had to learn to be "emotionally guarded." Because of this, I guess I could be considered "emotionally defecient."

Well, as is always the case with a loss, one mourns. The writers of Ecclesiastes and Lamentations have a lot of great insight, but that is not why I am writing right now. I wanted to share my own, personal reflections on the death of my dad. My own thoughts and... dare I say... emotions.

First, the thing that hurts the most is that I am pretty certain that he died without hope... Outside of Christ. My efforts were futile. In that, there's a learning point about salvation.

We all knew his death was coming. He had been in and out of the hospital a LOT. I currently live in Connecticut. He was in South Carolina. Frequent visits were not possible. Near the end of last year, I recieved a call from my brother, who is living in New Jersey. He told me that Dad was in ICU. He gave me all kinds of reasons why, to include: pacemaker failure, kidney failure, fluid on the lungs, swelling legs and feet. He thought that it was the end for Dad, and I should come down. I did. I flew down to Columbia to visit my dad in ICU for almost a week. During that time, he improved a LOT. However, when I left, he was still in ICU. I didn't know it at the time, but it was to be the last time I saw my dad.

Flashing forward to last night: I sent a text to my brother to ask how things were going. Below is our "conversation:"

I asked him how things were hard.

Him: A lot of stuff and I keep missing him

Me: That, I think, is one of the reasons mourning is good. It helps us deal with the fact that we will never have what we had again.

Me: Just think... I never had a chance to say good bye.

Me: I think he knew I wouldn't get that chance when I left him in ICU that day.

Me: See? That is the benefit of a memorial service. To let all of that bad/sad crap out of our systems. I truly believe that mourning frees us to live our lives.

Me: Did we know it was coming? Yeah. Did we expect it? Sure, but not so soon. I wasn't ready to let go of him yet. God knew it was time. I didn't.

Me: Had I known... I would have done things differently.

Me: I guess in a way, just like him, I knew it was the last time I would see him. I just didn't want it to be that way. I didn't want to say good bye.

Me: I kinda still don't.

Me: But I have to keep telling myself to be strong... How foolish of me to think I could be so strong. How dare I try to deny my emotions!?

Me: I just want to be a grown-up and say good bye.

Me: And thank you... For all he took upon himself... For me.

Him: I being forced to say good bye but at the same time I did cause it was going to happen regardless so I was sure to make my peace so when it happened it w

Him: ouldn't hurt so much but here I am wanting to call him at night or looking for him in game

Him: Well I'm not strong just constantly distracted

Me: So, this is what pain is like...

...

And this process continues...

A Defense Against Regret

2008-02-15T13:48:00.001-05:00

If I knew what I know, I'd have never known what I know.

When Christians Get Distracted

2008-02-15T12:39:00.001-05:00

What happens when we allow our priorities to take precedence in our lives and our work?

There are times in my life when I want what I want, and nothing else is an option. These times come, and Christ is not admired. To be honest, the beauty of Christ's glory is probably the farthest thing in my mind. However, when I finally realize my error, usually I can look behind me and see a path of destruction that includes bridges burnt, feelings hurt and a vast emptiness within. Essentially, relationships are disrupted, or worse, they are irrepairably broken.

How do we avoid times like these? Unfortunately, we can't. In God's redemptive work, He found it best to leave us flawed until we are fully glorified with Christ at the end of time. So, what do we do when we or someone with whom we come into contact goes on this destructive path? First, we have to understand that such conflict is necessary in this life and remember that God is still in control. I say "necessary" because as long as sinful mankind lives, sin will be present. God will continue to be slighted by man. However, if God is truly working all things out for His glory (and He is), each conflict is a chance for us to learn somehting about God's infinite character. If we did not have such destruction in our lives, we would never have the chance to learn the beauty of Christ and His atoning work.

Next, for those times when we find ourselves getting priorties mixed up, we have to realize that there will be a time when we will be corrected. God may reveal our errors to us through someone else (though, it may not be the first person to bring it to our attention). I have found that when I follow my own priorities, God eventually corrects me through the most random things. For example, God once corrected me through dialogue in a video game I was playing. I stood corrected because I was spending more time playing the game instead of with my wife and sons. Despite our best efforts not to get caught shuffling our priorities, there will come a time when we will be stopped in our tracks. In those times, our best response is to take the correction in humility and ask forgiveness.

When another Christian is on their tirade, and I am the one hurt, being patient and responding in love is much easier when I realize that correction is watiting for them, as well. That commonality gives us the ablility to somehow see though the pain we are experiencing and have compassion for our brother/sister. When they are disciplined, we become more able to welcome them in love and repair the relationship because we know that every one of us. In doing so, we are able to model Christ to not only ourselves, but to our brothers and sisters in Christ and even to those outside of the church! Who knows? That very act of forgiveness could prove to be the event that God uses to bring someone into His kingdom...

Now, if I could only remember to remember that...

The Depth of Pride

2007-11-29T11:25:00.000-05:00

I continue to be amazed at how two (seemingly unrelated) things can be connected and how God uses those connections to show me how great He is (and how great I'm not)! Yesterday, in two totally different conversations, I found a consistent thread that bound them together. In the realization of that thread, there was a conviction of my own pride, self-centeredness and self-preservation that has caused me and my family much harm. I'll share how I discovered it and how backwards and twisted those roots are planted in my heart.

In the first conversation, I was talking with a co-worker about work. Eventually, the discussion shifted to a false assumption about the presence of joy in my life. My co-worker is a very outgoing and vocal Christian who has attended several non-denominational churches since coming to Christ (in the Navy, we move frequently), with each church (I believe) somehow connected with the Vineyard Movement. With such polarized differences of opinions on how we approach God and worship, one could only imagine the office dynamics. (By the way, we both work as a part of the Chaplain's Office. I can't fathom the pleasure God gets from watching us interact.) As we talked, it became apparent that my co-worker assumed that I did not have joy in my life. I will admit that I have become very subdued when compared to when I was in my 20's. I have also become more pessimistic, but the fact someone else to think that I had no joy in life gives me cause for great concern. In my defense, I did point out that the way I express joy is much different than the way my co-worker expresses it, and that I am much more content being quiet than I am when I am vocal. In no way do the means by which I order my life signify that I have not experienced grace or God's love for me. After finishing our conversation, I was a little proud of myself for "ruffeling my charismatic co-worker's feathers." Then is when the Spirit of God brought conviction to my heart. When I was younger (in high school and college), I was quite outgoing, and I freely expressed many emotions. What happened? Thinking back, I assumed it was a maturity that came from a "school of hard knocks" and a "realistic" approach to life. What God revealed was that it actually was a defense mechanism, of sorts. It was a legalistic humility. I was convinced that it was my purpose to run counter to culture, especially cultural Christianity. What I was really doing was hiding my self-centeredness behind a pride that always said that no matter what, I was in the wrong. It was a twisted way to "keep my pride in check." I learned that it only served to feed that monster through a much larger back door.

The second conversation revealed the same backwards pride. This time, it was motivated by fear. Last night, a close friend from college called, asking for prayer. Without getting into much detail, God has blessed/burdened him with marriage problems. Last night, he called me to tell me that he was making a stand in his situation and that he would appreciate some support in the form of prayer. Admittedly, I was unsure about it, but I knew that my friend had not arrived at his decision without exhausting many other options. I tried to encourage my friend as well as I could and told him that my wife and I would pray for them. After we finished our conversation and hung up the phone, I looked at my wife. At first, I wanted to thank God that we were not like them. Before that desire finished forming, I started to think about what was going on in my friend's marriage. His marital problems were a result of a power struggle. I then turned my thoughts toward my own marriage. We've been having our share of problems as well, though they've been on a smaller scale. Ours, like theirs, is a result of a power struggle, but the struggle is backwards (or maybe inverted). In my friend's case, both he and his wife are trying to take control of the relationship. In my case, both of us are striving not to assume leadership of the relationship. It was at this point that I recognized that twinge of conviction deep within me. I knew I was wrong. I have even noticed this problem in my marriage before. The difference this time was that I began to understand why I have been doing what I have been doing. In truth, marriage is a union of a man and a wife. The man is supposed to serve as the head or leader of the family. It is a position of leadership and authority. Positions of leadership and authority are (more often than not) abused. Not wanting to abuse the "power" of authority, I have feared taking on the position as leader in my household. The Spirit of God showed me another self-serving defense mechanism. I admit that I have an issue with being wrong, even though I know that I am not perfect and that it happens. I have backed away from so many things because of the fear that I would be wrong when I had to make a "stand." I could rationalize it by thinking that if I never had the opportunity to be wrong, I would never be wrong. That self-centeredness runs directly counter to the Gospel that I claim to believe. I realized that because of fear, I have squandered away much of my life. Instead of taking a chance and possibly being wrong, my family was left without a leader. What they had was a self-serving man with a preference for his own comfort. By the end of the night, I was encouraged by the stand my friend was taking. I fully support him in what he is trying to do, even though there is a chance it would end his marriage. I hope and pray that doesn't happen, but their marriage is not in my hands. The task I have before me is not to forget the depth and subversiveness of my self-seeking pride and serve my wife and children by being the man I have been called to be. Now if that isn't a tall order, I don't know what is...

Convalescent Thoughts

2007-10-19T10:42:00.000-04:00

As I sit at home, convalsecing from arthroscopic surgery on my shoulder, I am forced to think about the effects of age on my young, thirty year-old body. The doctor who performed the surgery found nothing wrong with my shoulder. I was puzzled because the pain with which I had been living was very real. If there is nothing wrong with my anatomy, is there a problem with my perception? Is it possible that mentally, I wanted something to be wrong with me, and that desire brought about a percieved pain?

I consider it. Looking at some other factors that would contribute to my overall health, I find faults. Lack of excercise, a mediocre diet, and inconsistencies in many other disciplines could have their roles. But what of age? Could my mind be more sensitive to the physical aches and pains I experience? If so, how could I adjust my life to accomodate?

Additionally, if a man is a complete being, the whole should be addressed. I could go on and on about how my soul has been neglected and how spiritually, my life is anything but active. These things, as well should be considered.

So what is the answer? Surely, I could make determinations and resolutions to live a healthier life, but without renewal, none of the requisite change will occur. It is obvious that I cannot return to my youth, when my physical health was at a peak. Nor can I return to my college years, when I believe I was mentally the sharpest.

Yet, life can not live without action. Action can not exist without determination. What am I missing? Maybe all that is missing is a positive step. ... But can I keep it up?

MY ONE DESIRE

2007-09-18T07:48:00.000-04:00

If I were to be granted just one desire for the rest of my life, I would want to be fully engaged in consistent service to God.

There is nothing I despise more about my life than my own hypocritical dualism. One moment, I will maintain a strong conviction, only to change as the face of the clock changes.

Spirit and Soul

2007-09-05T13:33:00.000-04:00

A while back, I reasoned that a division exists between the soul and the spirit. It is difficult to suppose that there is a division within something that cannot be seen or measured. To this day, I stand by my conclusion.

It began with a look at how the Bible classifies what makes up the components a man. Most are familiar with what is explained as the three-part division of mankind: mind, body and soul. I wanted to see what the Bible said to that effect. James 2:26 says that the body without the spirit is dead. Knowing that the words spirit and soul are often used interchangeably, I could identify at least two of the elements in the three-part division and could confidently state that both are necessary for life. But what of the mind? Here is where I began to get distracted and forget about the triple division of man.

I began to wonder why two different words were used to identify the same thing. As a partial answer to that question, I turned to Hebrews 4:12, "For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart." There is a difference. According to that verse, the word of God can discern the difference between the soul and spirit, just as it can discern the difference between joints and marrow. Now, I had two different divisions of two different parts identified by Scripture. By now, the whole mind, body, soul thing had completely been lost in fascination with the difference between soul and spirit.

The words used for soul and spirit (psuke and pneuma, respectively), often are used interchangeably. If the verse in Hebrews was correct, the word of God can divide the two. Now, looking at the New Testament only, I searched to see further distinctions. Paul's first letter to the believers at Corinth gave me more insight. Paul writes in 2:14, "But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised." The word "psuke" is translated as "natural." It is contrasted against the word "pneuma," translated as "spirit." Looking at the verse, Paul is contrasting a natural man and the Spirit of God. The insight I gleaned was big. The soul is common, natural. We all have one. The spirit, according to this passage is not common, nor is it natural. It is only from God, and not everyone has it.

Trying to understand this, I thought about the difference through my "theological lenses." The Bible says that we are born spiritually dead. It is a difficult thing to understand that each one of us is born dead. So difficult, that I have to confess that I do not comprehend it. If the passage in Corinthians is correct, then it is common for us to have a soul. Because we are spiritually dead, our soul is corrupted. Remembering the passage in Hebrews, an implication can be made that the soul and spirit were made to be together. But if one is dead, what of the other? Maybe our souls have to pull double duty just to keep life alive. Certainly, that is not the ideal. Looking at the passage in James, we have to conclude that something keeps us living. There are billions of people on this planet who would be classified as "living." Yet, most aren't truly living. This is evident by the self-centeredness and corruption found in each person. Provided all the above is true, we are getting through this life with a soul only. This kind of living puts WAY too much emphasis on the soul, giving way to self-centeredness. Perhaps this is what God meant when He told Adam that he would die if he ate of the forbidden fruit.

If the spirit is dead, how do we make it alive again? Unfortunately, we can't. Despite many failed attempts, man has NEVER been able to completely create life. We can, however, work our souls up so much that it appears that our spirit is alive and we are whole. Simply put, it is a deception. A deception each one of us makes and continues in our pursuit of completion (perfection). Only a life giving spirit can supply that which we lack. We are so dependent. I read that the first Adam gave death. Indeed, we have little for which we can thank our ancestor. However, I am personally grateful that a second Adam came! This Man became the life giving spirit that we all need so desperately. It is with him, this cycle of deception and death is broken.

If only everyone knew...

I Corinthians 4:13

2007-08-30T12:03:00.000-04:00

"and we toil, working with our own hands; when we are reviled, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure; when we are slandered, we try to conciliate; we have become as the scum of the world, the dregs of all things, even until now." I Cor 4:12-13, NASB

I read this passage today in the midst of some strife in my workplace. (Whether the problems at work are factual or products of my over-active imagination is not my point right now.) I glanced over this passage while at work. I had to read it again because when I first read it, I understood nothing but a bunch of words without meaning. As I read it a second time, one word in verse 13 stuck out. The NASB uses the word "conciliate." In the margin, the word "console" is printed as a reasonable substitute. The word caught my attention enough that I wanted to look up the dictionary definition. Here is what I read, "1. to overcome the distrust or hostility of; placate; win over: … 2. to win or gain … 3. to make compatible; reconcile. 4. to become agreeable or reconciled." It says that a synonym is the word "appease."

So what does this mean? An easy answer is that we should strive for gracious living. Unfortunately, I find this, my first response to be quite shallow and in danger of not even scratching the surface of the issue. Digging deeper, I find more significant answers, but to put it mildly, I do not like what I see. I am continually appalled at how Scripture teaches believers to not just endure others when they are angry, confused or distrustful but to assist others through their problems; especially when all the negative stuff flies in the direction of the believer! It is simply impossible! Not only do I not want to, but I can not even fathom how I would begin to help someone who is mal-tempered! Enough complaining, let me look further into what is said for something encouraging…

Glossing over all the depth found around this word, I wanted to focus specifically on the word "conciliate." I finally looked up the word in its original language, and I was dumbfounded. Amidst all of Paul's other words and ideas in this letter, the word that caught my attention is transliterated from the Greek as "parakaleo." This particular word has fascinated me each and every time I have looked at it. In this particular passage, the word is used as a verb. It has the imagery of coming along side another to offer assistance and encouragement. As I consider the image, I picture Jesus as he spoke to the crowds saying, "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matt 11:29-30). What Paul is explaining is the very embodiment of love! Becoming "the scum of the world," Paul defends himself by saying that when someone talks bad about him, (according to the words used) he goes to that individual and seeks to win him over. I say "love" because it truly is a selfless act to go to someone who is (to use his words) "slandering" you and try to relieve the angst residing in their mind and heart (which is, by the way, directed at you) so they can be free from the mental and emotional stress behind their slander. Have you ever gone to someone who is angry at you or distrusts you? If you have, you'd understand why I continue to be appalled at how I am taught to react in these extremely volatile situations! I just can't see How I am supposed to do it!

I guess I shouldn't be too bent out of shape, Jesus promised to send the Helper, the "Paraklete." In Jesus' physical absence, the Spirit comes alongside and within me to "consiliate" with me, so I may "console" others. Wow...such a wonderful thought! I'm thinking of the many, many areas I could put that lesson to use in my life...

Now, if only I could remember it...

Oh, God, I need help!

"The Calling to Vocational Ministry"

2007-08-27T14:01:00.000-04:00

The past few weeks, I've been seriously considering my "station in life," as a co-worker puts it. By saying that, I mean the current situation in which I find myself in life. Despite the many things I am fortunate enough to have, I find myself dissatisfied. Thinking about when this discontentment began, I can confidently say that it began 9 years, 7 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 18 hours ago, give or take a year and some change. It was then that I resolved to stop going down the path I was going and change tracks. To fill in some detail, I was in college and had been a Christian for around 3 years. I had been awe-struck with the Bible and found myself reading it for hours at a time. Convinced that God had called me out to be a leader in His church, I changed my major to Religion and began pursuing some form of ministry. Biblical Philosophy and Protestant Theology quickly became my favorite areas of study. Missionary work also facinated me, and I took small steps that direction to "test the waters." Two week-long spring break mission trips to Charleston, West Virginia; one summer in Greenville, South Carolina; one summer in Managua, Nicaragua; and one semester in Martinsville, West Virgina later, I still found myself facinated with missions. I loved where I was, what I was doing and the life I was living, so I figured I was on the right track. I loved it so much, that I made a promise to God that I would never work in the secular world again. Even so, I was very careful not to say that I was "called into the ministry." With my love for theology and my desire to live in a foreign culture, I had no desire for the traditional ministry role of pastor, so "calling to vocational ministry" was not an issue. After my semester in West Virgina, I had close to two months before the semester started at college. I was invited by a pastor friend of mine to temporarily serve alongside him as a temporary associate pastor. Excited about the possibilities, I jumped on the opportunity. The experience was a nightmare. Shaken, I resolved to stop doing the things I was doing. With 3 semesters left before I graduated, I figured that I needed to begin looking for a "real" job that would actually pay enough to begin repaying the enormous debt I had accrued in student loans. I tried hard to forget my promise to God and the fulfillment I had experienced in those 3 years. My discontentment began. Now, close to 10 years later, I am looking back to see what happened. My conclusion is this: I stopped pursuing my dreams of being a missionary (ministry) and started living a life of self-proclaimed mediocrity and discontentment. It has been a long 10 years, but I am grateful that God is finally making me come to terms with myself and face my guilty conscience. Yet a big question remains, "Was I ever called to the ministry?" or more appropriately, "Was I called to be a missionary?"

16AUG07

2007-08-16T13:47:00.000-04:00

"Therefore, I was not vacillating when I intended to do this, was I? Or what I purpose, do I purpose according to the flesh, so that with me there will be yes, yes and no, no at the same time? But as God is faithful, our word to you is not yes and no. For the Son of God, Christ Jesus, who was preached among you by us-by me and Silvanus and Timothy-was not yes and no, but yes in Him."

II Corinthians 1:17-19, NASB

Paul is defending himself and his integrity in the passage above. It is amazing how God arranges things so that the passage I've been thinking over the past few days finds its way into a devotional that I get e-mailed to me! I've been thinking mostly of the "yes, yes" and "no, no" thing. In the New Testament, I have found this teaching three times: Matt 5:37, here in II Corinthians and James 5:12. The focus of my meditations has been how my life does not have that kind of integrity (or stability). I understand that both stability and integrity is possible, but that truth is not the point of these meditations. Paul defends himself for not doing the things which he planned to do. Knowing that Paul is defending his actions prove to me that his change of plans is not an evil thing. Of course, I cannot conclude that because Paul made plans and went back on them, I can also. But what of my making plans? Invariably, when I plan, something always comes up that will cause me to change something from my original intent. It is wrong not to plan. It is also wrong for me to plan and demand that those plans be played out exactly as I planned them. Such is the course of my life. I cannot seem to make my yes be yes and my no be no. I will make a definite statement, and there is always something (or someone) that will find its way in to prove it (or me) wrong.I think at the heart of Jesus' teachings and at the heart of Paul's defense is the condemnation of self-preservation. Paul changed his plans because he did not want to grieve the Corinthians with another visit full of grief and sorrow (2:1). His decision was made out of love for the Corinthian believers. In the other two passages, the context was in making oaths and swearing. In those passages, it is easy to understand the integrity that is condoned. In a related way, Paul defends the integrity of his decision by proving that his decision was not made out of selfishness or lack of love. He changed his plans for someone else. That is something I could stand to learn in my own life. I guess integrity is consistently making plans knowing that you may have to change them in order to prevent grieving others affected by your decisions.If only it were easier to "consider others better than myself."

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Jn 3:30

Hi!

2006-07-18T20:56:00.000-04:00

I made a profile and am posting this. I hope you enjoy it.