The Depth of Pride

I continue to be amazed at how two (seemingly unrelated) things can be connected and how God uses those connections to show me how great He is (and how great I'm not)! Yesterday, in two totally different conversations, I found a consistent thread that bound them together. In the realization of that thread, there was a conviction of my own pride, self-centeredness and self-preservation that has caused me and my family much harm. I'll share how I discovered it and how backwards and twisted those roots are planted in my heart.

In the first conversation, I was talking with a co-worker about work. Eventually, the discussion shifted to a false assumption about the presence of joy in my life. My co-worker is a very outgoing and vocal Christian who has attended several non-denominational churches since coming to Christ (in the Navy, we move frequently), with each church (I believe) somehow connected with the Vineyard Movement. With such polarized differences of opinions on how we approach God and worship, one could only imagine the office dynamics. (By the way, we both work as a part of the Chaplain's Office. I can't fathom the pleasure God gets from watching us interact.) As we talked, it became apparent that my co-worker assumed that I did not have joy in my life. I will admit that I have become very subdued when compared to when I was in my 20's. I have also become more pessimistic, but the fact someone else to think that I had no joy in life gives me cause for great concern. In my defense, I did point out that the way I express joy is much different than the way my co-worker expresses it, and that I am much more content being quiet than I am when I am vocal. In no way do the means by which I order my life signify that I have not experienced grace or God's love for me. After finishing our conversation, I was a little proud of myself for "ruffeling my charismatic co-worker's feathers." Then is when the Spirit of God brought conviction to my heart. When I was younger (in high school and college), I was quite outgoing, and I freely expressed many emotions. What happened? Thinking back, I assumed it was a maturity that came from a "school of hard knocks" and a "realistic" approach to life. What God revealed was that it actually was a defense mechanism, of sorts. It was a legalistic humility. I was convinced that it was my purpose to run counter to culture, especially cultural Christianity. What I was really doing was hiding my self-centeredness behind a pride that always said that no matter what, I was in the wrong. It was a twisted way to "keep my pride in check." I learned that it only served to feed that monster through a much larger back door.

The second conversation revealed the same backwards pride. This time, it was motivated by fear. Last night, a close friend from college called, asking for prayer. Without getting into much detail, God has blessed/burdened him with marriage problems. Last night, he called me to tell me that he was making a stand in his situation and that he would appreciate some support in the form of prayer. Admittedly, I was unsure about it, but I knew that my friend had not arrived at his decision without exhausting many other options. I tried to encourage my friend as well as I could and told him that my wife and I would pray for them. After we finished our conversation and hung up the phone, I looked at my wife. At first, I wanted to thank God that we were not like them. Before that desire finished forming, I started to think about what was going on in my friend's marriage. His marital problems were a result of a power struggle. I then turned my thoughts toward my own marriage. We've been having our share of problems as well, though they've been on a smaller scale. Ours, like theirs, is a result of a power struggle, but the struggle is backwards (or maybe inverted). In my friend's case, both he and his wife are trying to take control of the relationship. In my case, both of us are striving not to assume leadership of the relationship. It was at this point that I recognized that twinge of conviction deep within me. I knew I was wrong. I have even noticed this problem in my marriage before. The difference this time was that I began to understand why I have been doing what I have been doing. In truth, marriage is a union of a man and a wife. The man is supposed to serve as the head or leader of the family. It is a position of leadership and authority. Positions of leadership and authority are (more often than not) abused. Not wanting to abuse the "power" of authority, I have feared taking on the position as leader in my household. The Spirit of God showed me another self-serving defense mechanism. I admit that I have an issue with being wrong, even though I know that I am not perfect and that it happens. I have backed away from so many things because of the fear that I would be wrong when I had to make a "stand." I could rationalize it by thinking that if I never had the opportunity to be wrong, I would never be wrong. That self-centeredness runs directly counter to the Gospel that I claim to believe. I realized that because of fear, I have squandered away much of my life. Instead of taking a chance and possibly being wrong, my family was left without a leader. What they had was a self-serving man with a preference for his own comfort. By the end of the night, I was encouraged by the stand my friend was taking. I fully support him in what he is trying to do, even though there is a chance it would end his marriage. I hope and pray that doesn't happen, but their marriage is not in my hands. The task I have before me is not to forget the depth and subversiveness of my self-seeking pride and serve my wife and children by being the man I have been called to be. Now if that isn't a tall order, I don't know what is...