Mourning

On January 26th, my dad died. Since I left for college in 1995, I've dis-associated myself from home. However, for reasons I can't get into right now, he has (and always will have) my deepest respect and gratitude. Because of my background, I have never been one who expresses much genuine emotion. To my detriment, I had to learn to be "emotionally guarded." Because of this, I guess I could be considered "emotionally defecient."

Well, as is always the case with a loss, one mourns. The writers of Ecclesiastes and Lamentations have a lot of great insight, but that is not why I am writing right now. I wanted to share my own, personal reflections on the death of my dad. My own thoughts and... dare I say... emotions.

First, the thing that hurts the most is that I am pretty certain that he died without hope... Outside of Christ. My efforts were futile. In that, there's a learning point about salvation.

We all knew his death was coming. He had been in and out of the hospital a LOT. I currently live in Connecticut. He was in South Carolina. Frequent visits were not possible. Near the end of last year, I recieved a call from my brother, who is living in New Jersey. He told me that Dad was in ICU. He gave me all kinds of reasons why, to include: pacemaker failure, kidney failure, fluid on the lungs, swelling legs and feet. He thought that it was the end for Dad, and I should come down. I did. I flew down to Columbia to visit my dad in ICU for almost a week. During that time, he improved a LOT. However, when I left, he was still in ICU. I didn't know it at the time, but it was to be the last time I saw my dad.

Flashing forward to last night: I sent a text to my brother to ask how things were going. Below is our "conversation:"

I asked him how things were hard.

Him: A lot of stuff and I keep missing him

Me: That, I think, is one of the reasons mourning is good. It helps us deal with the fact that we will never have what we had again.

Me: Just think... I never had a chance to say good bye.

Me: I think he knew I wouldn't get that chance when I left him in ICU that day.

Me: See? That is the benefit of a memorial service. To let all of that bad/sad crap out of our systems. I truly believe that mourning frees us to live our lives.

Me: Did we know it was coming? Yeah. Did we expect it? Sure, but not so soon. I wasn't ready to let go of him yet. God knew it was time. I didn't.

Me: Had I known... I would have done things differently.

Me: I guess in a way, just like him, I knew it was the last time I would see him. I just didn't want it to be that way. I didn't want to say good bye.

Me: I kinda still don't.

Me: But I have to keep telling myself to be strong... How foolish of me to think I could be so strong. How dare I try to deny my emotions!?

Me: I just want to be a grown-up and say good bye.

Me: And thank you... For all he took upon himself... For me.

Him: I being forced to say good bye but at the same time I did cause it was going to happen regardless so I was sure to make my peace so when it happened it w

Him: ouldn't hurt so much but here I am wanting to call him at night or looking for him in game

Him: Well I'm not strong just constantly distracted

Me: So, this is what pain is like...

...

And this process continues...