Finding Myself

I have somehow misplaced myself. I think it was back when I was in college. One of my former room mates reminds me that I once left a note in our dorm room that read, "I've gone to look for myself. If I come back before I get there, please tell me to wait." Ever since late '98 or '99, I've not seemed to be me. Often, I wonder why. Yolanda has accused me of living in the past, in the 'glory days' of yore. The more I look back, the more frustrated I get because I can't seem to find me there. I'm gone. Yesterday is gone. I know that I am living in the present, but I don't feel like I'm really living. This is an extremely difficult admission, especially coming from one who is a Christian. Nonetheless, it is true.

Frequently, I've caught myself irritated and angry. I've concluded that the anger is coming from the frustrations of unrealized expectations. That sounds too clinical, too ... ugh. I'm disappointed with myself, and it bothers me to no end. There are days when I stop to ask myself where I went. Apparently, I am in a state of constantly looking for the me I thought I would be. Mid-life crisis? Perhaps.

But just as King Solomon chronicled his search for himself, I'm writing a rough outline of where I've looked for me:

I searched for me in a change of scenery. After college, I moved from South Carolina to New England. I quickly found out that I was not in Maine. Don't ask why I went looking there. Before that time, I had never been farther north than Ohio. While I was there, I married a native. Unfortunately, I didn't find myself in marriage, either. At first, this sounds horrible, but there is a good reason I say that. More on that later. Despite not finding myself, I did discover that when God brings a couple together, that bond can not be broken. Translation: I dragged an innocent young woman into the mess that is my life. (poor Yolanda, there's no escape) Knowing that I had to support two people, I thought I could find myself teaching high school Spanish. Boy, was I wrong! Enough said about that. That period in my life is better left alone. Since I wasn't there, I looked for me in "travel" and "adventure." I enlisted in the Navy. I have to admit that I had always wanted to serve my country. Though I didn't find myself, once again, God taught me something. He showed me that 'service' really isn't what I thought it was. Not only did I not get to go anywhere exciting, I did not find me in my patriotism. After some time at my first duty station, I tried looking for myself in fatherhood. Coincidentally, Yolanda gave birth to our first child. Needless to say, Elijah didn't have an answer for me. All he did was scream and poop. Interestingly enough, I noticed that he bears a strange resemblance to me. When Nathanael, our second son, came along, he didn't have much to say, either. He just ate a lot, screamed AND pooped. Strangely, he, too kinda looks like me. What was God's lesson in my attempt at finding myself in fatherhood? Well, if I omit that whole 'made in God's image' thing and that 'God, our Heavenly Father' thing, I'm not 100% certain. Either way, I didn't find myself. However, I did discover a disturbing trend. I began to notice that the longer I look for me, more people I keep adding to this confusion. (Our third son is to be born in September) I am now at the end of my 'service obligation' with the navy. Soon I will be 'free' to search for me in the civilian sector.

However, recently I realized that I know where to find myself. Come to find out, I've known it all along. I lost myself over a decade ago. I gave me to someone I could trust. My life is hidden in Christ, and no one can take it away from him. It is no wonder that I've been angry and fusrated. Though I've known where to look, I've been searching for me elsewhere. I can't find myself in marriage, service to my country, fatherhood, or anything else, for that matter. I can be found in Christ. This fall, I begin a new chapter in my life. I'm moving my growing family to a seminary campus and begin working on a MA in Theology. That's a tough task. With a family, it gets even harder. It's time to stop searching all over the place and get re-aquainted with myself.

Excuse me, I'm a little lost. Could you point me to the cross? I need some rest.

Saved? Self-Centeredness?

I've been wanting to write for close to a week about the subtle arsenic that permeates my thoughts as I live, breath and walk! My self-determination works so hard to force man-centeredness onto God as a character trait. In every moment, I have to be reminded that God is, and His ultimate goal is His own glory! In reality, the benefits for us are merely a side-effect.

Again, I recently was made aware of this... self-determination. The reflection below was triggered by a quote from the pulpit of the church I attend. It was so good that I printed it and taped it to the wall facing my desk. Despite the grammar, it is a profound question that sliced to the core of my heart. The context is a sermon on Ecc 9:1-12 titled, "Gift versus Gain in the Face of Mortality." One of the summary points was this:

"What are you hoping to be saved from?"

The more I thought about it, the more that question hurt. My mind was searching for the "right" answer, but the real answer shined a spotlight on my heart and in my life... I think I summed it up in one word. "life" To be honest, it scared me until I rationalized it to the point that it became, "life under the sun." Yet seriously, what is life other than the freedom that is given when we strive to worship and love God with (to quote a respected friend and brother in Christ) "white-hot intensity"? So, I don't necessarily want to be saved from life but from death. I want to be saved from the death that would occur when I see a Holy God face-to-face. As I consider it, I believe this fear is universal. It just may not be expressed as such. In this fear, God is not glorified. If perfect love drives out fear (and it does), and if this perfect love is made available to all (and it is), then this fear is nothing but unbelief in Christ's atoning work. It is little more than the "evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God" about which the author of Hebrews is warning us. For how can God be glorified in me if I am living my life in fear and disbelief? But thankfully, He desires to be glorified! He sent his Son! Not for me, so I can be saved from my fears, but He sent his son that I may glorify Him! In that is freedom, not just for me but for all who believe! My benefit is merely a side-effect of His self-interest! He made a way that this filthy, unbelieving worm can glorify Him by being satisfied in Him!

And that I shall do.

-creto